Running from Yoga: The Fear of Slowing Down

I had an amazing experience this past Labor Day Weekend and needed to share what happened when I faced my fear of slowing down with Yoga in hopes it will free other sisters. In my book, Self Care Matters A Revolutionary’s Approach, I write about a traumatic experience I had with my C-section delivery seven years ago. Not only did the epidural not work and I felt everything during the surgery, but my postpartum healing process was brutal and lonely. I was the definition of P.T.S.D. as I shuffled around my downtown Atlanta condo. I had not put in place a doula during or after the birth nor any family members to assist me. It made the journey of being a healthy mother harder. During the weeks after delivering my son, my body suffered from infections, my mind suffered from severe postpartum thoughts of not wanting to be here and my spirit felt abandoned while learning how to care for a newborn alone all day week in and week out. To say it was the worst time of my life physically, spiritually, socially and emotionally would be an understatement.

It was also when I became the most revolutionary.

I had no frame of reference for how to heal from what felt like half of my body being stitched back together. The prolonged pain from the staples in my belly and the ache in my heart from missing a supportive grandmother-like touch made me want to give up... but I chose to fight to care for myself anyway. That is what self-care revolutionaries do. When everything around them supports them NOT taking care of themselves, they choose do it anyway. When you are not sure what to do, embarrassed about what you do not know, yet you ask for help any way, you are a self-care revolutionary. When the social norm promote you ignoring what you critically need, it become very challenging to make good decisions.

I realized I was spiraling deeper and deeper so I started with changing my thoughts. Then, I fought to stabilize my home. Once I had that in order, I fought to stabilize my income all the while suppressing the trauma of the C-section surgery. Years passed. I became a professional at suppressing what I went through. I received a Ph.D. in suppressing the spiritual, physical and emotional challenges I dealt with post-surgery but it showed itself in other ways. I did not dance as much as I used to and I definitely avoided going to yoga which brings me to this past weekend. The birth of my son was seven years ago and I had not danced nor been physically active like before having him since. I have danced in dance companies, enjoyed occasional classes and truly enjoyed connecting with my dance family however yoga… I ran from.

I found myself on the road a few Saturdays ago, cruising to Charlotte, North Carolina to enjoy spending time with our Charlotte chapter of the SisterCARE Alliance. This chapter is awesome. They are growing and filled with a membership of intuitive, kind, gracious, powerful, loving, free and self-care promoting yoga instructors, practitioners, executives, mommies and activists.

The Atlanta SisterCARE Alliance crew members are also dynamic. Each time one of my wonderful Atlanta friends would invite me to regularly partake in a yoga class, I would never quite follow through on attending a class more than once. I loved Octavia Raheem’s @octaviaraheem CHILLShop YogaTM and restorative style because I felt so rested and cared for after class. Please forgive the snoring Octavia. My dear friend Ragenia Waddada @yogafortheyouth, co-owner of Gallery 992 and yoga instructor held my hand lovingly through my first sun salutations many years ago so I knew I liked yoga. Yet, after my traumatic surgery, I had had an aversion to yoga I could not explain. Dancers love a good stretch, but yoga is much more than stretching.

My dear sister friend and President of the Charlotte Chapter of the SisterCARE Alliance, Jasmine Hines is also a wonderful and intuitive yoga instructor. Many members of the Charlotte Self Care movement are spiritually strong and culturally vocal. They always do such a wonderful job of making all people, women and particularly black women feel more welcome to yoga.

@inspoweragency @ananahparris

On this past Sunday, I put on my dance rehearsal gear and headed out of a Charlotte house with two beautiful instructors, Jasmine Hines @inspoweragency and Tiya Caniel @junecaniel in route to a yoga class. I nervously ran my mouth about anything but yoga walking out of the door then timidly said, “Oh I don’t have a mat.” The lighthearted reply came quickly from Jasmine, “You don’t need one. Kelley will have extras.” That didn’t work. I took a deep sigh on the inside.

We poured our smiles into the cars and headed towards the yoga class everyone was raving about taught by the gorgeous, powerhouse of a motherhood advocate, entrepreneur and podcast host @thegetwellpodcast Ms. Kelley Carboni-Woods @iaminfectiouslyhappy. While walking into the doors of the Charlotte community center, I glanced down at the dark brown wood floors and became even more nervous. Why? I didn’t know why I was so nervous. I stayed pretty quiet, smiled and walked over to my mat area. Jasmine brought over the mat so I didn’t have to think about it. I sat down and with my eyes shifting around the room filled with beginner and experienced classmates, I asked Tiya, who was sprawled out to my right comfortably like her mat was a Jacuzzi and asked, “sooo what do people do before a yoga class normally?”

@junecaniel

She replied with a question, “Is this your first yoga class?”

I thought for a second and said, “No. I guess I am just nervous.” I still didn’t know why.

What a silly question I asked Tiya I thought to myself. Then I started being more honest than nervous.

I belted out awkwardly to the very calm Tiya, “You know, there should be a SisterCARE discussion about ‘the fear of slowing down’ because I believe I may be a bit afraid of slowing down in this moment.”

Tiya smiled calmly again and said I was right. We chatted a bit more.

I tried to distract myself until finally the music came on. A peaceful Alice Coltrane song I loved so much titled ‘Journey in Satchindananda’. I decided it was a sign for me to continue trying to relax. I did, a little. Kelley, the instructor, began to share a powerful personal story that underlined the importance of the affirmation she selected for the class, “I have choices.”

She asked that we repeat it out loud as often as possible throughout the class. She explained if a movement began to hurt, that I remember that I had choices. I said it out loud immediately. My mind took me directly to my incision from the c-section as soon as the word ‘choices’ came out of my mouth. I realized I was not afraid of slowing down in general, I was afraid of moving slowly, stretching out the scar tissue in that area and being reminded with every yoga pose (or asana as I am learning) of the emotional trauma I had experienced what had been ow seven years ago. This was why I was nervous. IT became very very clear very very quickly. My Ph.D. in suppressing what I went through was not helping on the yoga mat.

I stood up slowly to assume the first position as instructed. I followed directions to the tee as if each word of Kelley’s guidance came after the numbers 5..6..7..8. I missed how dance class allowed me to tune out fear and with each beat of the music. Dance and music, help me feel stronger, more powerful than my pain and more connected to everything I loved. However, this was not dance class. This was a yoga class. Yoga was slow. Yoga made me pay attention to my every thought in hopes of soon releasing the bad ones. Yoga made my body move slowly and it made me deal with a moment that was stuck inside my body I was not yet fully healed from. Yoga was digging up my true feelings and with each transition I could not stop it.

I changed positions. With each change of positions, I felt my incision more and more and more. The faces of those who operated on me came to mind vividly. The anesthesiologist, the nurses, the blue paper separating my chest from my big belly. I could even smell the hospital. Then I heard Kelley’s voice, “I have choices. Repeat it. I have choices.”

I repeated it and spent the rest of the class following her instructions to breathe and not go further than I could handle. Here, with every yoga pose(asana), I was being reminded why I ran from yoga. My body was forcing me to remember with each asana. I still needed more healing.

For those who are unaware, after a major surgery, your body can form scar tissue around the incision. Many women do not mention this. It is not sexy. Scar tissue is not a sexy topic. Incisions and surgeries in 2017 are not the incisions of 1950 however the care and support when dealing with women’s bodies has been stuck in a time warp. Medicine is more advanced however, the inhumane treatment of women’s bodies and emotions apparently have not changed much. As a result no volunteers in hospitals how to handle emotional nor physical scars resulting from deliveries. Women are expected to move on carrying every piece of the experience including the scars with them. For those who do not know, scar tissue is not flexible. It can feel sore once it is moved around a lot, stretched and pulled. I was feeling this during the yoga class. I was remembering during the yoga class.

The class ended but my memories did not. The class ended but my soreness around the scar tissue did not. The class ended but my scar tissue remained. I smiled and said good night like everyone else. Wiped my mat down and fell in line to return equipment with the other students. As Tiya, Kelley, Jasmine and I walked back to the car, we had great conversation, took pictures to post on social media and truly enjoyed each other’s company. I worked on my suppression skills. I felt their love and support. I worked on my suppression skills. I felt the space they gave me to be quieter than I normally had been while I worked on my suppression skills.

Once Jasmine and I returned to her house, she could tell I need to do a Self Care Check In. I did. It was a critical need. I explained what I was feeling and trying to suppress until a stream of tears flowed. I felt silly because it was seven years later. I felt frustrated because it was seven years later. I felt defeated because it was seven years later. My recollection was so vivid of the experience, Jasmine had to let me get it all the way out.

Then, she asked me a question she often asks her Inspower Agency coaching clients that stopped my tears and made me think, “Are you willing? Are you willing to heal and take a Self Care Baby Step? Are you willing?”

I thought hard. Was I willing? I was so busy being upset about the trauma that I had never slowed down long enough, took the opportunity to be brave enough to really think if I would be willing to live a different way. I had become a master suppresser of that one painful experience and Yoga would not let it stay buried, neither would my Self Care Dream Team member and sister Jasmine.

I said in a whimper yet very longingly, “…yes.” Jasmine then asked our Self Care Program phrase, “What would be your Self Care Baby Step Anana?”

This Self Care Program I created was being fed back to me. With love, my sister-friend and Emotional Self Care Dream Team member was encouraging me to move closer to reaching my Self Care Goal of not feeling every bit of the trauma from the surgery. Why? Because I truly needed yoga in my life. She knew I needed yoga more than the emotional pain of the trauma.

I talked through a potential Self Care Baby Step of reaching out to my friend and holistic guru Ragenia via text for information on an oil you can massage on your body to loosen scar tissue. I found the courage to send the text. Ragenia responded five minutes later with the answer, vetiver essential oil. That was a big move. I slept better that night.

The next morning Jasmine and I took a #selfcarewalk before I left to return to Atlanta. We walked on a beautiful trail on UNC Charlotte’s campus when Jasmine initiated another Self Care Check In with me regarding my incision, my trauma. I let her know I was more aware of what I needed and was hopeful things would get better. Jasmine then said something to me that instantly made that particular Self Care Check In amazing. You see I was able to have the courage and emotional freedom the night before to belt out what I remembered about the trauma, what was painful about the surgery and she listened.

She listened the night before at the detail I was able to share then she offered me another opportunity to be courageous and said, “ Anana, you have been carrying the people who cut into you, after you told them you could still feel, held you down, wrestled Zaiire out, sewed you up then behaved as if it didn’t happen the next day with you energetically for seven years. You have been seeing their faces every time you enter a yoga studio and you need to let their energy go. They have moved on with their lives and this brutal system of medical care for women in delivery continues to butcher more women with very little care or concern for their recovery. You have to release their energy from your body so Yoga can be good for you. You deserve to enjoy yoga.”

As soon as she said that I tightened the muscles I my stomach, almost as if every person’s face and hospital scrubs that covered their bodies were dangling on my incision and began to immediately and collectively float away. I felt like the top half of my body and the lower half were mending together somehow as we walked. I thought of my body as one piece and not two in an instant. In that moment I said to Jasmine, “Thank you sis. I never thought about it that way but I have been carrying each of them with me for all these years. Every face. Every sound. ”

I just needed someone to show me how much power I was giving the energy and experience they left on my body in that one scar. It was traumatic, and yet, they still can’t have me. This medical system will not break me.

I told Jasmine I am not an emotional slave. I will not be an emotional slave, not even to my own pain.

When I got home to Atlanta I felt different. I felt more whole. My body felt like the top was connected to the bottom. I was no one’s slave. I laid on my floor and did a yoga pose, all … by... myself. I did another one all.. by …myself. I did some deep breathing… all… by... myself. I felt free. For the first time last Sunday, I took Tiya’s yoga class and did not relive my experience. It was my

My sister-friend Jasmine offered me an option of emotional freedom and asked if I was willing. I took a step and then made a choice to be willing and free. My sisters, my yoga loving sisters have been there for me. Thank you Ragenia. Thank you Octavia. Thank you Tiya. Thank you Kelley and thank you Jasmine. My sister-friends, yoga instructors and modern day Ariminta’s have been holding my hand towards a freedom from an emotional slavery I was not able to do by myself. Asking for help is a form of self-care. Connecting with sisters who care about your self-care journey on a regular basis is a strategic move feeding into this Self Care Revolution. I no longer run from Yoga. I am grateful.

What are you willing to do to take better care of yourself?